stuff.it.in.the.welly. - lauren

with every breathe like it's the last, with every blink like a freeze frame of a precious moment, with every touch to record how we were once human, we are destined to be more.

they say that when dealing with death, you should be more accepting and grieve at your own pace because they're in a better place. lauren was the sister who made you laugh by making a silly face and you can't help but laugh because it's lauren. she was my go-to girl and my listening ear. she was my partner in crime when we were growing up because we were the closest in age and she actually allowed me to be a boy and even played lego and conker wars with me.

last week, whenever i closed my eyes, all i saw was the field in our home in oxford where we would play until we were called in or mum came to collect us. lauren and i would race to her and of course, being the big brother i let her win always. i would give up anything right now to have those days back. when i can protect her and just stay out there in the field, dreaming and talking about why we think ireland is much cooler than england but we have to like england because of dad.

my girlfriend recently told me that she wasn't so much afraid of meeting aria (who has been label as the "strict straight faced" sister) but meeting lauren because she was closest to me. hear that lauren, someone was actually afraid of you. but you know what lauren, i could've used you last night. i struggled to hold it together. i became someone i'm not. i almost lost someone i love because of my words and lack of actions. i hurt their feelings and when i woke up this morning i felt ill. i wish you were here to tell me i'm being an idiot and that things will get better.

you know when the simple things that happen in a relationship matter most, whether it's a text message throughout the day or i quick ring to say i love you become somewhat of an addiction. when you don't hear it or you go without it for a day you physically become sick and can't understand why until you realize you haven't heard from that person all day. my mum would say that it's what happens when you love someone, synics would say it's a bad form of addiction and lauren would say you're lucky to have found someone that made you feel that way. (told you i was the lucky one)

aria came up to me this morning and said that she was sorry for messaging me and causing an argument, and i told her it wasn't her fault. i apoligized for being a prick and taking it out on her. then before i left for work and while she made her tea, we had a heart to heart, something aria and i rarely do and it went like this:

aria - want to know why mateo is the man i've waited for all this time?

me - why?

aria - because he knows what buttons to push to make me angry but also knows how to make it all better. i didn't realize until tierney pointed it out that mateo is like you and dad.

me - tall?

aria - no. persistent. loyal. even when you're being jerks, you can always tell when it hurts you and it's not just in your voices.

me - what do you mean?

aria - when you know you've done or said something that affected the other person badly, you wouldn't give up making them feel better. you would reassure them that you're not going anywhere until it's all better or when they're done with you.

me - isn't that a bad thing? we shouldn't hurt the person to begin with.

aria - duh! but we're not perfect, no one is. after the fight, it's not about who wins or loses, it's about still being together long after the fight.

me - what if the person no longer wants to fight?

aria - you stay until they say goodbye and continue to let them know what they mean to you.

aria likes to get all emotional at times and it catches you off guard. what i'm trying to get at is that no matter what people go through as a couple, whether it's friendship or something more, it's the staying and still being there long after those disagreements or fights. ladies...we hurt too, we just try real hard not to show it. but when we do, it's because we really love and care for you.

i may not always know the right thing to say, but i'm never not going to let you know how i feel and what you mean to me.

to end it off...lauren and i used to collect "treasure" (mostly rocks and leafs we find, sometimes a dead butterfly) while we played in the field, when our mum would collect us (and like all mums she didn't like dirt and thought our treasure wasn't really treasure) we'd quickly scramble to find a place to hide our treasure, so sure enough, every time, lauren would say..."stuff it in the welly jooles, mum's coming" lauren, i never told you but while we looked for our treasure, mine was always right beside me. why do you think i let you beat me at the races and always let you find the bigger treasures...i was your big brother, it's what we do. but i did fail you, i'm sorry i didn't protect you from all the hurt in the world.